Monday, July 18, 2005


Via Josh: The Chronicle of Higher Education tells us academics that if you ever want a job, don't blog. This is excellent advice, which I will add to other excellent job-seeking advice I have received over the years:

Don't be a vegetarian.

Don't be married, have a partner, or date.

Don't have a baby. Don't get pregnant or even think about getting pregnant. If you are pregnant, hide it.

Don't be a woman; or a man; or Asian; or white.

Don't drink during your campus visit; if you do, you will embarrass yourself and never get hired.

Do drink during your campus visit; if you don't, they will think you are uptight or uncultured and you will never get hired.

Corollary to above (A): Drink wine on your campus visit to prove that you are sophisticated.
Corollary to above (B): Drink beer on your campus visit to prove that you are one of the guys.

Wear an expensive suit in order to look your most professional.

Wear a moderately priced suit in order to look frugal and sensible.

Wear a highly fashionable suit in order to look cutting-edge.

Wear a cheap suit in order to look impoverished enough to need the job.

Be sure you have published many articles in impressive journals.

Be sure that you have published nothing so that you can look like you are "all potential."

Always read the Chronicle of Higher Education to know the cold, hard facts about our profession.

Never read the Chronicle of Higher Education, lest you become too depressed to continue in our doomed profession.


Lee said...

So, what you're really saying is that it's impossible not to get a job.


You know, what's really un-funny about this is that I have yet to hear any real, non-satirical job-seeking advice that doesn't make my head hurt.

Jasper Bernes said...

Thanks for this humor, Tim. It's good advice. To my mind, the Chronicle article described the good fortune of those candidates passed over for the job. Blech. What an uptight department. It sounds like they wanted just the paper, just the c.v., and not the unfortunately living and breathing body that comes with it.

chris said...

i saw that useless article too, and am so glad to see this in-yr-face response. What a load of crap that article tries to give blog-folk! sheesh. fuck it, i say: do yrself--if they want you and the stuff y've done, then they'll go for it, if not, then ya probly didn't want to be around 'em anyway, eh?

thanks, Tim, for providing a good humored balance on this.


chris murray